It's Saturday

So it's Saturday. I fell asleep on the couch with the dogs last night. Or they fell asleep on the couch with me, I'm not sure which. I guess it doesn't matter. Woke up and got up at 5:00 and stumbled into the bedroom and crawled into bed. Dogs followed suit of course. Got up again at 9:30. Walked dogs, it's a lovely day out. Steve (boy beagle) was especially wiggly and happy. He never fails to make me laugh and cheer up a little, he's a complete goofball.

Had breakfast in the living room in the sunshine and quasi-planned my day. E should be back from OK at some point, either about 4am or later. So of course house cleaning is in order. Oh, I should be careful, she reads this too.

Well, New Years Day will be one year since Bryan, Kathy, Stella and Ruby were murdered. It's kind of hard to believe it's been a year, I guess because it still seems so fresh, because I think about them every day and I still have this tiny, tiny hope that they will appear, together and happy, greeting us all. It still brings me to tears. I've never cried so much and so hard in my life as I have this year. I can't imagine that I ever will. My heart is still completely broken and I think it always will be. I was at friends for Christmas and her daughter said "whenever I talk about the Harveys, Mommy starts crying.." She does her best to comfort Mommy. Of course when she said that, tears began rolling down my face, almost involutarily, and she said "You're crying too." I gave them my love and got in my car and sobbed against the steering wheel and then all the way home. I felt like a wounded animal, I howled. This pain is still just as strong. I am thankful for all the blessings and love in my life, I know I am lucky in so many ways, I know this has changed me forever . I will always remember every thing about them, every moment I shared with Kathy, the smile that always appeared on her face when I saw her, her laugh, her style, everything, and I will always feel this wind blow through the hole in my heart.