monday may 21

Today was a really nice day. Weather-wise. I wish I had ridden my bike to work but I didn't. When you ride or drive or walk thru my neighborhood it smells wonderful, like honeysuckle and magnolia. It's almost too much, almost overly intoxicating, but pulls back slightly and doesn't cross that line. I like my neighborhood.
Yesterday was my mother's birthday. I didn't call or write, I'm not even sure which birthday it was. I never call or write. My sister on whom the burden of looking out after her falls, excoriate me for that. I don't blame her I think, not so much. I am scared of my mother, scared of my past, scared of my possible lack of feelings. I don't have pleasant childhood memories and I try to avoid them at every turn. That sister (there are others, but that's more words) and I are nothing alike. We grew up together and yet that seems to have all fallen away. She's always "busy" because she has a busy life. Apparently I don't. I don't think she knows who I am. My mother never has. I've had dreams of her pulling me down, lassoed, dragging me across the earth. What do I do with all of this? The life that I've made for myself is at turns sad, angry, hopeful, and full of love. I am thankful for that. I guess that's it for now.