I Admit It...My Blood is Drunk, My Heart Weeps, and I Know Nothing About the Universe
I'm a bit drunk right this minute...I didn't mean for that to rhyme. Tonight I met M. for beers at Zippys. We have not seen or talked in too long for good friends. There are too many dumb things in the middle. I had good time. We talked about movies, her movie, casting, music, I brought out my shame at having blown the screenwriting partners deal, and we talked on and beered, and decided that I am the one for Casting and maybe Concepts and Stuff. Zippys has a fine variety of beers, the first one I had was the @!#^%^%$^! Wheat Beer, (@!#^%^%^!) being Germanic something or another, then a $*^$*^)(*)(_)(#$#@^&) India Pale Ale, then something I split with M, a lager, it was all quite fine in the scheme of things, talking about life, love, movies, and whatnot over spirits.
We dismissed and I made my short way home, in the Golf, with the windows and sunroof open, and I swear, as I drove east on Brookland Park Blvd, I felt the unmistakable smell of Big Red gum on the air. That smell smacks you like a spicy brick that rings bells from the back of your throat down your esophagus and thru your sinuses and the very back bottom edge of your brainpan. What the hell Ginter Park, that was refreshing!
I get to my loving home, touch base, touch face, touch sweet loving heart, and work my way to my study, to my inbox. I have an email from a close friend..."HAVING ONE OF THOSE UNREAL MOMENTS.CANT SHAKE IT;
WANTING TO TEAR SOMEONES LIMBS FROM THEIR BODY. I
CANT STAND IT. SAW (friend) TONIGHT AT LOWES AND SHE
ALSO SAID IT IS GETTING HARDER EVERY DAY FOR HER. I
GUESS WE ARE COMING OUT OF SHOCK. IT IS SO FUCKING
HARD TO BELIEVE THAT THIS HAPPENED. I GUESS WE SHOULD
BE GLAD THAT WE ARE SO UNABLE TO ACCEPT THIS, AND NOT
BE COMPLIANT AND NUMB TO IT. I THINK THIS SUMMER IS
GOING TO BE REAL REAL SAD. I THINK WE ARE GOING TO
HAVE TO REALLY WATCH OUT FOR OUR FRIENDS. THE REALITY
OF THIS REARS ITS UGLY UGLY HEAD AT ANY MOMENT, AND
YOU CANT ALWAYS FIGHT IT OFF. I THINK WE WILL REALLY
NEED TO BE AWARE OF ALL OUR BUDDIES,EACH OTHER AND
OURSELVES."
And there is sad, open, painful, real, dirty, plain truth. Our friends, our sweet, loving, beautiful, funny, serious, goofy, gorgeous, very real friends, are very gone, have been horribly taken from us. They won't be at the pool in a few weeks, won't be at the store, at school, at the coffee shop, walking by your house, waving at you while you're in your yard, or at the stoplight beside you. None of us will see them there, even though we still feel them everywhere. It is very hard to try to tell someone who's removed, in one way or another, what this is like. It is not like any loss I have so far known. It is not like anything I have known in my life. It is not regular, it is not normal, there is no pattern, no road, no map, no sketch, no platitude, no psalm, no hand, no look, no saying, no nothing that can cover this, that can cope with this, that can placate this, that can bless this, that can cure our hearts of this. Sorry God, I can't figure this out. I feel comfort from my friends, but nothing stops the pain of the salt screaming the water from my heart and the acid soaking though my soul.
