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I am here. I am awake. It's 2:39 am. E and I played cards for a good while after dinner. That was fun. She has gone to bed. The dog is on the couch asleep. The cats are tucked somewhere around here, under a jacket or sweater. I sip a bit of Maker's Mark. I am sleepy, physically tired, but my mind is relentless, throbbing, picking at me with it's claws. So many things refer to Kathy, Bryan, those beautiful girls, without my even realising initially. A song, place, gesture, laugh, are like catching a smell that triggers an instant sweet sense memory, and I walk on from that smiling blindly, then trip on the wires of the bouncing betties of reality bringing back the fresh taste of iron in the mouth and eyes burning and chest turning within itself. It almost seems as the days pass that it is more unreal, more likely that they are on vacation, out of town, touring somewhere nutty and great, but they'll be right around the corner, back for a party any time soon--this is not true, and yet maybe it is. I am sad. I am hopeful. I am filled with anger, grief, madness, confusion, love, lostness. I am waiting.